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About all my life, he said.
Anthony Barnhart
Flowers Quickly Fading 175
Really?
Yeah, he said, grinning. She s amazing.
The sun was setting behind us, casting the shadow of the mountains over Maine.
How d you get together?
His eyes sparkled as he spoke. It was August. We had gone car shopping that
day, and I took her to the doctor for a lung check-up. She has some problems with
her lungs, has had to be in the hospital a few times. By then I knew& I knew we
were always going to be just friends. You know? I had pretty much given up on
there being anything between us. That night we went to a Vacation Bible School
at her church and when we got back to her house, she and her mom got in this big
fight, and her mom completely embarrassed her in front of me. She was so
upset& And since my car was at the church, she had to take me back& So we got
back to the church building and it was almost midnight. We get out of the car, and
I can tell she s really bothered by what had happened. I gave her this giant bear-
hug and told her everything would be all right, told her I would always be there
for her. I started walking and she just lost it. She was crying, falling against the
car, so I walked over there and pulled her into my arms. And wiping the tears
from her face, I asked her to be my girl. She cried more, because she was so
shocked, so happy.
I let his words sink into me. What did I feel? Frustration. Anger. And even
resentment. That s a wonderful story.
I know. I love her so much-
But you were wrong, I said gravely, standing. I didn t look at him. It s never
going to be all right.
Mom got some phone calls from some Professors near the end of the week, and
they told her that I had been skipping class. I kept avoiding her calls, but then she
called from my sister s cell phone and caught me off-guard. She didn t yell or
anything. She was understanding about it. She just asked me to come home. We
missed you last weekend. I told her I didn t feel like coming home; I didn t want
to be around any of that stuff anymore. I wanted to be as far from her as possible.
I almost felt wicked sometimes I wanted to forget Jena and all the times we
shared, all the feelings we d experienced, all that we had together. It was these
times that were most difficult to bear, for I would go to a secluded spot on the
campus and sometimes cry. Part of me, too, I think, lived in constant denial.
Anthony Barnhart
Flowers Quickly Fading 176
How comes nothing ever works out? How come we re left to our own little
games and chivalry, left to fight for breath on this godforsaken planet? How come
whenever a touch of cool air touches our tongue and breathes even a whisper of
relief, it is snatched away? Day after day I grew colder and colder towards the
people around me. I didn t go into the dormitories unless I had to sleep, and I
missed almost all my classes. Often I wandered off campus and walked through
the mountains. Sometimes I committed suicide, wondering if I could actually do
it. I contemplated what lay on the other side of death anything at all? Heaven
and Hell? For just a brief moment I thought of Jena in Hell and I wanted to rip
God to shreds. But I calmed down and returned to the campus. The college was
threatening me with scratching my enrollment. What did I care?
Come home, Mom pleaded. For the weekend.
Mom-
We re worried about you. I talked to your roommate&
You don t even know my roommate, Mom.
I called your room and he answered. He told me you re never around. He says
you just run off and don t come back till nightfall. You re not handling this very
well-
How the @$#% do you want me to handle it?!
Silence on the other end.
I drew a deep breath. Look. I m sorry.
It s okay, she said quickly. Just come home. Please? We all miss you&
Fine, I said. Fine. I ll come home.
And try to go to class?
Sure, I said. So I went to class the next two days.
I parked on the curb and walked up the driveway. Dad was in the garage working
on the van. His radio was blasting, so I frightened him with I nudged him in the
side. The look of fright wore off and he abandoned the van to embrace me as a
prodigal son. He washed his hands of oil and led me inside the house, telling me
how empty the house had been without me. The dog hasn t been the same since
you left.
We went out and were trying to find a place to eat.
My little sister said, Let s eat at Applebee s.
No, I said. Not Applebee s.
It s ½ price appetizers, Mom said.
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Flowers Quickly Fading 177
Fine, I said, not wanting to stir up any conflict. Applebee s is fine.
We were seated. Right next to the high-top where Jena and I had sat.
The same waitress who had waited on us that day so long ago came by. She
remembered me and said, Hey, how are you? Where s that cute girl you were
with?
I set my menu down, stood, and walked out of the restaurant.
I pulled a half-smoked cigarette from the dispenser and put it into my mouth,
drawing from it gently. Dad pushed open the door and saw me. He opened his
mouth to tell me to drop it but didn t. Instead he sat down on the curb beside me. I
sat down with him and drove the cigarette butt into the asphalt.
Dad reached into his pocket and pulled out a pack of Camel s. Want one?
I didn t know you smoked.
I just started. Don t tell Mom. She d have a fit.
I managed a smile and took one. He lit it for me and we sat on the curb with our
cigarettes.
We shouldn t have come here, Dad said. I m sorry. I don t know what we
were thinking-
It s okay, I said. It s just& It s just really hard to bear. I mean& I m having
a hard time with it.
And why shouldn t you? He flicked some ashes onto his shoes. You loved
her. God, you loved her. I could see it. You got her pregnant. But you were going
to marry her. You even had the ring. You proposed to her.
I didn t know that you knew about that.
Oh, I find out about these things. Her mom talks to me.
How is she doing?
He sighed. I don t know. About the same as you, I wager.
I should visit her, I said. Or send her a card. Or something.
You re like her son, you know. She speaks very highly of you.
I was her son-in-law. You were right. I asked Jena to marry me. Foolish? It
was only three months-
No. Not foolish. I believe in love at first sight. And I think you believe in it,
too. Even more so.
Yeah.
We continued smoking. Mom and my little sister were ordering the appetizers.
Destiny keeps calling. She wants to talk to you.
I don t really want to talk to her.
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Flowers Quickly Fading 178
But you should. You really should. I know she s really annoying and cynical at
times, but& But she really likes you.
All she wants to do is save me.
I think she learned her lesson.
People like that don t learn lessons. They re too narrow-minded to learn
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