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easy. "It's helped to prevent me from becoming the center of
the gossip mill at school. Does that make any sense?"
"It makes perfect sense. You have to know yourself pretty
well to be confident enough to actively try not to be noticed."
The way Scott said it, the clear admiration and respect in his
voice, sent a shiver up Derek's spine. The pride he had
identified earlier surged up and filled him to the point of
bursting. It was a fleeting sensation and was quickly replaced
by another feeling he had experienced earlier. Guilt. He felt
like he was lying.
Derek knew that he wasn't nearly as comfortable with
himself as Scott seemed to think. Only Beck knew the real
reason he kept his personal life personal. With Scott sharing
such personal information, Derek felt even worse knowing
that he was keeping things to himself. He started pumping his
arms faster and picked up the pace. Scott kept up, but they
both ran in silence, focusing on finishing the run and their
breathing.
Derek felt like scrubbing his brain with soap, cleansing it of
the thoughts rushing at him all at once. His gut was telling
him to be honest with Scott, to just tell him that he was gay
and see how he reacted. His head was telling him to keep
doing what he always did, which was to keep a low profile.
Keep the secret at all costs. His heart was telling him that he
couldn't keep the secret for much longer. He was ready to
find someone to share something more with. More than what
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Wrestling With Desire
by D.H. Starr
he was able to share with Beck. He loved her, but it wasn't
the kind of love he dreamed about at night. It wasn't in-love
love.
As they reached the final bridge of their run, Derek picked
up the pace even more. With each step, tension drained out
of him. His focus narrowed to only his body and his breathing.
This was why he loved running. Not just to get in shape, but
to clear his head. To calm his typically overactive mind.
Running just short of a sprint for the last few hundred yards,
they both collapsed on the grass by the bridge across the
street from their school.
Gasping to take air into his lungs, Derek stared up at the
sky. Once he had caught his breath and his heart stopped
racing, he sat up and started stretching his tired and burning
leg muscles. Scott did the same. They were facing each other
as they stretched and looked up at the same time. Derek first
noticed the pulsing of Scott's heartbeat along the length of his
now dripping neck. Watching Scott's neck thrum sent Derek's
blood rapidly rushing south. There was something incredibly
sexy about looking at Scott, shiny with sweat and spent from
exertion. Then, without knowing how it happened, they
locked gazes and he found himself staring into those blue-
green eyes. Scott's look was penetrating, searing,
and...something else. His focus was centered directly on
Derek and there was no hint of uncertainty or discomfort.
Suddenly, Derek saw the quality he hadn't been able to place.
It was desire, wrestling beneath the surface, but clearly
there. There was something in those eyes that let Derek know
that Scott wanted something more from him than casual
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by D.H. Starr
friendship. What that was, Derek wasn't sure, but he was
determined to find out. Scott was someone he wanted to get
to know better.
As suddenly as their eyes locked, they faltered and
separated. Scott jumped up and offered Derek his hand,
helping him to his feet. As connected as they had been just
seconds earlier, now Derek felt a distance between them, as if
Scott had put up a wall. "Thanks for the run. I'll see you
tomorrow in school." And with no further comment, he turned
and started jogging home.
"Sounds good," Derek said to his retreating back. Derek
put his hands on his knees and tried to calm the rising
adrenaline he felt coursing through his veins. What was that?
I swear if we held that stare for another minute I would have
jumped him right here. He stood up, still winded, but feeling
more stable on his feet.
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57
Wrestling With Desire
by D.H. Starr
Chapter 4
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