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if he ought to press that telling statement or let it lie for the
moment. Looking up again, he steeled himself. What did you fuck
up?
Finn frowned, his look confused. What?
Well, if you re worried about fucking your end up, that has to
mean at some point you have and you don t want to repeat it. So
what did you fuck up? He braced himself for an explosion,
because God knew Finn had enough pride for a hundred men.
Instead of an explosion, though, Finn s eyes saddened. He
sighed, then shrugged. I was married.
Rowan s eyes widened. He d, of course, known that at Finn s
age the man was no novice to relationships, but married? To who?
When?
A girl I knew in college. Finn let out another sigh. It wasn t
like it is now. Back then being gay wasn t trendy, wasn t accepted.
It was reviled. It still is, in some places, but then& it was
everywhere. There were no articles in People about celebrities
coming out of the closet. The closet was the only option.
Rowan let out a breath. So you did what was expected and
married a woman.
Finn nodded, meeting his eyes. Yes. I d already disappointed
my mother by deciding I wanted to write instead of becoming the
doctor she and Dad had imagined, so I guess in a way it was a
placating thing. Give her what I could, you know?
Rowan nodded. What happened?
Nothing. Finn let out a short, humorless laugh. Nothing
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LETTING IN THE LIGHT
happened. We married right after college, I got a job at a local
small newspaper and started my first book, we rented a shitty little
house and struggled a lot.
Did she know?
That I was gay? Finn shook his head. No, not then. I
suppose she must have suspected, after the first few months. I
could barely keep it up enough to consummate our vows. But she
never asked, and I never told. She got pregnant six months after we
were married, and I figured that was it, I d done my duty and,
while I loved her as a friend and nothing more, I was happy about
the baby. I d always figured I d never have kids, so one on the way
was exciting.
Rowan had never expected this when he d decided to pull Finn
out of his shell. He had a child. Where? Who? Were they close
still? He didn t ask, though, remaining silent and letting Finn
continue.
Around that time, I met someone, a young man who did
freelance photography for the same newspaper. We got thrown
together on several stories and& well, one thing led to another and
we began to have an affair. Finn s jaw tightened and he looked up
to meet Rowan s gaze almost defiantly, as if daring him to judge.
Rowan had no intention of doing any such thing. I m not proud of
it, but it was what it was.
Alright, Rowan murmured, tilting his head. He could
understand the guilt involved, but he also couldn t imagine what it
must have been like, Finn living his whole life in the closet,
denying the basic core of who he was. Desperate times and all that,
he supposed.
Carol found out. Actually, she found us, in the act almost, at
the office late one night. He let out a rough laugh, again lacking
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LETTING IN THE LIGHT
in any humor. She brought me dinner, only to find I was mid-
dessert with another man.
Rowan held his breath almost. What happened?
Everything you d expect. She was shocked, horrified, furious
and hurt. She ran out, and I went after her. I don t have a clear
recollection of the moment, but she must ve tripped running down
the steps outside and fell. Finn took a deep breath. The baby
didn t make it. They said when she fell she hit the edge of a step
wrong and the baby, which was a girl by the way, died instantly.
Oh, Finnegan&
Finn shook his head. Don t& no pity, Rowan. Anyway, she
filed for divorce before she was released from the hospital. I didn t
contest, and a marriage that never should ve happened was over,
taking an innocent victim with it.
Rowan didn t speak for a moment, working out in his mind
what he could say. Pity was the worst way to go, obviously,
despite the sympathy that filled him. Finally, he exhaled heavily
and met the other man s gaze. Is that why you don t let anyone
close?
Finn lifted his brows as if it was a ridiculous question. I think
that s a good enough reason, don t you?
Rowan thought about it for a second. I can see why you d
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