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anger at himself for being angry with me, and fear that we would be found.If I
sleep, I won't think, and he won't be able to find us .
So he climbed into the sleeping bag beside me and held me close, despite the
fact that I'd probably assumed the temperature of the floor beneath us. We lay
like that, probably for days, in thedark, because Nathan was afraid the light
from the lantern would show through the cracks in the floorboards and give us
away. He barely spoke to me, except to offer me blood, which I refused. Twice
we woke to voices and footsteps upstairs. Nathan went completely still with
fear beside me as we heard the intruders overturn bookshelves and tables in
their destructive search.
The seclusion was good for me, though. With nothing else to concentrate on
and nothing to distract me from my grief, I moved through it quickly. I didn't
talk to Nathan I wouldn't ask him to understand but I did talk to myself,
inside my mind. I began to understand why I couldn't speak. It wasn't a
prison, but a retreat. I wouldn't have been able to put my pain into words,
anyway. I taught myself to forget the pain of losing Cyrus, and remember the
joy of loving him. The hatred I'd felt for him when he'd been my sire was
important to remember, as well. It kept my sorrow in perspective. I had loved
him, but I couldn't divorce him from the monster who'd made me, or it would
hurt all the worse.
And when I woke one night or day; it was hard to tell with no windows I could
talk again.
I rolled to my side and touched Nathan's face. He snapped awake as if waiting
for me to come back to my senses, his eyes full of concern. "Carrie, are you
all right?"
No, I'm not. "Why didn't you ever tell me about this place?"
A quick intake of breath warned me of the explanation ahead. "In case I ever
had to use it. In case you& went to the other side again."
"Oh." I picked at the zipper on the sleeping bag. "I was never on the other
side."
"You were always on the other side, Carrie." He touched my cheek."Or on your
own side. You've never truly been on my side."
"I have to be on my side. If I'm not, who is?" I thought of Cyrus. No, he was
never on my side. No one was.
"I would have been." Nathan said it so earnestly, I think he believed it.
"No. You wouldn't have." And it was something I had to learn. No one was ever
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truly devoted to anyone else.
There was a long silence. Then Nathan put his hand over mine. "I do love you.
I didn't say it because we were going to die."
"It has nothing to do with love." I didn't say that to wound him. "I love
you. But you hurt me. And I hurt you. Whether we love each other or not, we
can't ignore that, or we're just& building our foundation on sand."
"I know."
We didn't say anything else. I think we reached some sort of understanding.
Our timetables were off once again. One of us was ready to open up and love,
the other was retreating into solitude. But I needed time to grieve and think
and let what had happened change me. At the end of that change, maybe I could
build a relationship with Nathan out of the ruined components of our previous
attempts. Or maybe I'd be strong enough to start from scratch. Maybe it would
be easier, both of us coming from a place of loss. Perhaps that unequal
footing had been our problem all along. But right now, I needed to be me, not
"us." And it wouldn't be fair to give him anything less.
It was the damnedest thing, life. Once you decide exactly how things are
going to go, something or someone comes along and messes it all up.
Max looked at Bella, really looked at her for the first time in days. She sat
ramrod straight on the bench at the T station inSalem , working hard to keep
her balance on the seat without the aid of her legs to steady her. They'd
ditched the wheel-chair the Oracle's people would be looking for a werewolf in
a wheelchair and had used all manner of tricks to get themselves this far.
Her eyes drifted shut a moment,then snapped open, a new, more firm resolve
visibly gripping her. Max smiled. Now that they weren't in mortal peril,
weren't walking blindly into danger, he realized how stupid he'd been. Of
course he loved her. And yeah, there was a chance something might happen to
them. It wasn't fair, it wasn't the life he would have picked for himself, but
there it was. And he would be an idiot to throw away what he had because
someday, something might hurt him again the way Marcus's death had.
God, he could be dense sometimes.
"When the train arrives, we will take it to North Station," she repeated for
the fifth time since they'd sat down. More to keep him awake than to actually
reiterate the facts in her mind, he was sure. Bella's mind was like a steel
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